Pink slippered all contained

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“I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it but I didn’t. Not really. Only the smudginess of it, the pink slippered all contained semiprecious eagerness of it. I didn’t realise it sometimes would be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea, because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know; don’t know about the in-between bits of it. The gory bits of you and the gory bits of me.”

-Like Crazy

Warning: This post contain personal feelings and emotion.

Its 2am and I’m wide awake so I decided to pull out my laptop and write while watching my favourite movie, Like Crazy (2011). Watching this film reminds me of us. And it wasn’t a favourite until I met you, until I met us. I know we ask ourselves almost all the time, “Why me?”. Constantly wondering and questioning the same things: why or how we’ve end up here, together, this long, this apart, for five years. We don’t always agree on the same things, we argue about everything almost every time, we drive each other against the walls, and we have different opinions on everything. Well, except red velvet cupcakes and chicken nuggets. Like you said, why me? Why us? How us?

But this, this movie, reflects why. Like Crazy although fiction, tells the ugly truth. The actual truth about long distance relationship and how hard it is to stay in love despite being half way across the world from each other. It shows how despite how much we seek each others’ time and attention almost every second, we both have our own daily life to go on with. Unlike everyone else who gets to go to dinner with their partner, lover or husband, at the end of the day we go home to a meal alone. Having dinner for one. Cooked or take outs, still for one. Our love is all consuming, but yet at the same time, we didn’t care. Its an obsession, it may be dangerous, but we still wanted it. We wanted that love. Our love. The love between us. Being apart this long and having fought many times and said horrible things til we wanted to leave us, we never did. Why? What is it about us that neither of us want to let go off.

But that’s just it,

You don’t give up on the people you love. No matter how darn difficult it is.

We’re still working on each other, being better people for one another. Having patience and strength, and changing our bad habits or attitude. The spark between us burst in flames every season we meet. But when we’re apart, that spark is a planet away to find. Some days the spark was hard to find, and some days, we couldn’t find it.

And that’s just it,

If things were easy to find, they wouldn’t be worth finding.

I strongly feel that if I were to answer ‘why’, I would be writing a story that will be ending. And thats not what our love is. Our love doesn’t end at the last argument we had a couple of nights ago. Our love doesn’t end at our differences. Our love doesn’t end at the last take off. Our love doesn’t end when our fight-on-the-phone end. Our love doesn’t end when you storm off my house or when I got upset wouldn’t speak to you. Despite our 101 arguments, the love never ended, and in fact, it grew more for each other. With every argument or fight, we realise how wrong we are or how dumb we are, or how stupid we are in the end and what we learned for the past four years, is how we’d rather lose the argument than lose each other. We’re both stubborn and hard-headed. But for the past five years I strongly feel that the absolute honest answer to why is the fact that we’ve grown so much together. How lucky am I to watch our love grow for each other despite always being half way across the world from you.

We’ve learn a lot about each other and care so much for one another. We’ve seen each other at our best, our worst, and our weakness, and albeit all that, we still want to be the best person we can be for each. You don’t make it to 18,000 miles apart from your loved one and not have one fight that breaks you. But what we are is balance. What we are is patience (half the time!). What we are is forever. And I pray to God that no matter where life takes us, we’ll always find our way back to each other. And that no matter how exhausted we get, we’ll always find that spark that light us up five years ago. Catching a movie, a quick cruise on the highway, getting our favourite fast food, hiking, or just a walk at the beach. I guess that’s why I have so much love for you. Is that despite all our arguments, fights, distance, you still want to love me. You still want to be with the person you fell in love with. And on darker days, you still find it in your heart to believe in us. On uglier days, you still have it in your heart to remember the person you want to be with me, you still want the person you fell in love with, and still want to find her, to find me. Which is very rare today. This half-way-across-the-world-relationship is one distance not even a phone call or plane ticket can fix. But it is us, its what we are. I hope greatly after this Summer, we will no longer have to be a world apart.

London will always have a place in our hearts.

All my love,

bela

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